iN Merton magazine spoke to a woman who has rebuilt her life after
experiencing domestic abuse.

“I now know that I was in a trauma bond with a narcissist. I was young when we first met and he was a lot older than me. We moved in together too soon.

At the start, he was overly nice. He’d say “I’ll take your bank card, so that you don’t need to worry about paying for anything.” He’d do everything for me, get me something to eat and tuck me up on the sofa. I felt nurtured. He saw that I was vulnerable.

The first time he was violent, he hit me on the head so hard that I blacked out. When I came round, I didn’t feel well and told him I needed to go to hospital. He came too and when the medical staff asked me what happened, he gave me a look which said “Don’t you dare say anything.” I told them fell over.

When we got home, he cried, crocodile tears I know now, and said it was the alcohol. Then he love bombed me. I was so naive and a bit blind to it. He wanted to make me dependent on him – it was a form of control.

When I told him I was going to meet my friend, he said “I don’t like that girl.” He didn’t want me to do a job I enjoyed because it involved serving male customers, so I stopped working. He wouldn’t let me walk to the shop on my own – he would get things and lock me in our home when he was away.

When I fell pregnant, he pressured me to have an abortion, but I wanted to keep the baby. I had a black eye when I gave birth to our child. He told me that there had been violence in his childhood, but that is no excuse for being violent towards another person.

It’s difficult to understand why I stayed, unless you’ve been in that situation. I did try and leave once and spent the night in a refuge, but he contacted me and asked “Where are you? Please come back.” So, I did, because things could be wonderful, as well as terrible. I decided to leave for good after he threatened to kill me and our young child with a knife. He had not harmed our child up until then, so that was a turning point.

I left everything behind and just took my child and a few clothes. When I arrived at the refuge, I was unsure at first and very worried. I heard a bang on the window on the first night and thought it was him, but then I remembered that I’m not there anymore. After a week I felt a sense of relief and was able to sleep at night.

Being able to walk down the road to the shop with my child felt like freedom, knowing that he’s not following me.

The Inner Strength Network has been so supportive to me and my child. I couldn’t be more grateful to Maureen, who has given me advice and helped to boost my confidence. I feel safe here. Marie has arranged lots of children’s activities and is always there to talk to.

I was supported to get a court order, which prevents him from contacting me. It’s not easy to cut all ties – you’ve got to get strong – but it’s game over for them when the trauma bond is severed, because they no longer have any control.

Domestic abuse is not just physical violence. It can also be psychological, economic, honour-based, stalking or coercive control. It happens to men, as well as women. Find out more about the different types of domestic abuse and the support available for people who are experiencing it, perpetrating it or who have survived it on our website.